i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
even the AIR tastes like tequila.
I'm stranded in the Hampton area. Looks like I'm going to have to take one for the team and pass out by this applebees.
Just the amount of girls he locked himself in my room woth says your gonna have to take a cab bro. I don't think he's going anywhere
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
I wasn't half as drunk as u but u were saying u were a "worm" and u tried to slither out of my grasp
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
i got to his house for our first date at the same time as his dealer, so what I'm saying is I'm in love
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
One day, I might be old and married wishing I could bang everyone... and that'll be a problem. So I feel in my heart it's something I need to do.
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
all I know is that I was naked, and there were cheeto puffs everywhere...
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