allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
A hot woman with candy. This is what heaven is filled with
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
i think he was starting go for a boob grab when we both realized the middle of a public tennis court wasn't the place
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
he had hair everywhere except his balls
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize
