As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
I could write a book called "things that come out of my vagina"
So I accidentally txted this girl with the same name as the one im seeing, as it turns out shes still dtf
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
I made out with Jen. We were naked. I'm still gay. Forever
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
I might be a bit longer... I found a hot guy at the grocery store, so I'm following him and buying stuff that he's buying
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
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