I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
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