You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
I swear this guy grew up in land without leagues. someone should inform him he's way out of mine
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
i told you that I felt like my feet were melting into the ground and you starting blowing on them to put out the "invisible fire". thanks friend.
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
That was nice of you. Thank you for respecting the fact that I got cockblocked by a sophomore last night.
Besides. I don't even really like sex because it feels great. I like it because for thirty minutes I own that guys ass.
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
Trying to roll joints on a seadoo in the middle of a lake on a windy night. -Juststonerthings
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
Randomize
