She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
Randomize
