Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
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Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
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I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
It's like the cookie assaulted me with being high.
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
Anyway, that's been my evening- crying and looking up diabetes symptoms. How was your night?
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