Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
So the bros are yelling at another bro to get that dildo off the roof. And there is indeed a dildo looking object on the roof.
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
I had to cum in my sink.
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
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