it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
and she's shaped like a lego person so that's not happening
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
cant help it. i get a boner every time that shake weight infomercial comes on
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
We turned on "find my friends" and watched her progress. Got concerned when she didn't move for an hour on Adelaide, turned out a booty call was made, then she went back to the bars.
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
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