He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
There is so much to learn about oneself from autofill.
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
He gave them shots of purell and called it "acid rain" jello shots. They took them.
I hate freshman.
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
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