The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
It's like a new game! Find out if he's circumcised without actually seeing it
Bailey. He has a soul patch. Idgaf if he was an NFL player. Nobody with a soul patch is attractive.
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
Package arrived for me from the gf while she's on vacation..under the bed bondage kit and new lingerie...my boner could drive to the airport
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
Woke up with a pineapple again... where do i keep on getting these ??
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
I ripped ass in on and around her face during a hard 69. I don't think she'll ever call me again.
Randomize
