Can i not drive my cunt home
Something clean will definitely be barfed on tomorrow.
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
i have pictures frm only 4 hours ago that will fucking ruin you so i suggest yuo come get me.
Where are you?
dunno. ask mike. bring pain killers. and underwear. and my dignity.
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
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