you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
There is a literally infinite number of spliffs going around this table.
Delicious
I feel like I'm at a sushi bar with a spliff belt.
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
We were cuddling in his bed and I asked him a question and followed by making a microphone with my hand and told him to speak into it. If he never talks to me again that's probably why.
I slept naked last night on stolen pillows. I felt like a golden goddess.
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
All I want is dick and wine.
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
Randomize
