So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
They high fived mid Eiffel Tower, then we all proceeded to talk about how our friendship is much stronger now. I'd say a successful first threesome.
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Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
He was so drunk he was throwing the bowling balls into other lanes on purpose. He still beat my high score thought.
Ong my arms are moving wo my consent
I'm happily sitting on the toilet cause I'm too tired to move. I'm considering making this my permanent residence. It has a lot to offer.
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The first thing we did this morning was see if we could see her barf in the prking lot from the roof. We could. It was in 5 spaces.
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
I'm not saying you're stupid, just that you have bad luck when thinking...
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