my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
I just woke up and shes still asleep next to me with her vibrator inside her and on. Whats normal protocol for this situation?
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
thanks for at least making it out of the pool before you threw up
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
No idea how he made them, but vodka water balloons were a horrible idea.
if you just come over, i will entertain you
arguing about the color of your bong does not count as entertainment
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
I just had a man tell me he was going to think about me when he was fucking his wife tonight. This is my proudest moment as a gay.
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