Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
As of tonight I have officially had sex during every Disney movie.
im pretty sure thats the first step to being a pedafile
you sang the finger bang song from south park while fingering me. needless to say, kind of a turn off.
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
we got 12 live crabs and then we got really stoned and know we're playing with the crabs. thats nom watermellon nom. now i'm plaing with a crap whos such a gentleman
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
you guys just sat there and simultaneously smoked bowls staring at each other... it was like a bowl off or something.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
we got stoned then he started showing me how to make his penis look like a hamburger...if that's not true love idk what love is
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
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