Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
guess they didn't have any donuts in her size.
I walked in on him shirtless licking the mirror while talking to his reflection. So yes, I definitely want to do shrooms the next time you get them.
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
THEY DIDN'T THROW MY PORN AWAY!!!!
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
So i dislocated my knee but still went home and fucked his brains out. Nothing gets in the way of my sex life. NOTHING.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
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