i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
He started humming whilst eating me out. At first it was weird, but my new motto is now don't knock it before you've cum from it
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
I'm turning into an adult here.
Adults touch each other's special zones.
Sounds good. I'm hoping to have my life together by next week but you never know I guess.
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
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