I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
Totally saw a hot amputee. I think this is called character growth.
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
All the walks of shame were condensed into the hour before parents started showing up. Move out day is so bittersweet
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
i want to shrink myself down to penis size, climb inside of her pussy and just live there for a few months.
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
How much of a thot would I be if I put this pic up? On a scale of thot-ish to Queen of Thotlandia
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