Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
I managed to throw up 90 feet under water, just removed my breathing tube, puked, put it back in. All inclusive is the way to go.
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
All I need is the Internet and a place to drink.
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
I have stripper ass cheeks all over my glasses
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
Randomize
