I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
To say the least, now you know you're a proper lady, passing a field sobriety test in heels...
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
He's still short.... And probably a douchebag. But if we ever run into him downtown I fully encourage you to take him home and have "I hate you douchebag" sex and lick every inch of that disgustingly toned chest.
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
He is currently passed out on his toilet. Point day drinking.
I woke up at 6:30 in the morning on the A train on 14th street. You wouldn't know anything about that right?
I'm tired of you and your emotional constipation. WHY DO YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES WHEN WE MAKE LOVE!?
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