I looked at my own cervix.
i just saw a white kid with an afro using a martini shaker as a coffee thermos. go college.
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
are you sure you're not interested? he's the dunkin donuts employee of the month.
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
Sometimes I actually rage on Tuesday, come back, and do homework drunk and pull an all nighter.
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
Randomize
