I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
it's like iHOP with fire
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.
I just broke a sweat shaving my own vagina. Something has got to change.
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
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