Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
i was staring at it trying to desperately see a vagina
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
Can u check his last FB check in, then come pick me up from there. Blame it on the tequila
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
her tits were more amazing then brown bears with armor and guns that fire bullets of Justice that destroys inequality.
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
So high, just applauded for a magic trick on Hulu.
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
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