i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
I have a question, if it paid really well, like ridiculously well, would you be a restaraunts under the table resident blowjob girl?
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
It was honestly like he was directing a porno or something. he kept telling different people to grab other people's boobs, it was all very artistic.
You asked him for a membership to him and his dick.
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
She pretty much spent NYE measuring dicks, trying to decide which one to take home.
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
Randomize
