final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
he looked upset that i wasn't completely shaven. i reminded him he had begged. and beggars can't be choosers.
i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
I took my exam the next day still drunk and failed, but I kno for a fact that I filled in the bubbles for my name perfectly
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
well some coke just fell out of my nose in my partners meeting so i'd say my day's off to a fantastic start
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
he just ran into my room in his giant penis costume yelling "supercock to the rescue"... I am still in total shock
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
