If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
Also, you peed on your hand last night. Id just like to point that out
You may genuinely find a use for the siphon. But the bag of human hair is less likely.
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
Getting high in the car with mom and the aunts during intermission for drag queen bingo. Details later.
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
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