i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
If we keep treating our bodies like amusement parks we have another 10 years left at best.
Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
giving him head while hes talking to his fiancee on the phone about inviting me to their wedding.... im invited. should i go or would that be wrong?
The guy is drinking 5 bottles of beer in a juice pitcher. Fucking amazing.
You coming bye my yot got egg sweet carilne vodklaa
She bit a glass in half.
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
After seeing all of the pics during the trial, all I could think was "her vagina doesn't look THAT dangerous"
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
By chance and just chance did you find a cock ring? By chance
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
