ur penis kinda felt like a vagina to me
i took an adderall last night to write a paper. i ended up watching 7 hours of roseanne and couldn't look away
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
I'm going to teach Troy such valuable life lessons. Yesterday I told him to stay away from girls who drink redbull and vodkas.
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
I have so many feelings about this burrito
Now that it's over, I can finally say it and not feel bad,dude. Her mustache is better than yours.
There is a time and place for BDSM, in-between disney sing-alongs is not one of them.
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
Cookies and nudity, all you need in life
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
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