he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
just did the walk of shame by his grandma. what the fuck is an old lady doing up at six am?
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
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dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
I just unmatched him. If your Thirsty Thursday only consists on the gym then I am not the woman for you ✌🏻️
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
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