In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
There were 11 girls in that minivan and everyone was either puking, crying, or yelling "we're a total shit show"
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
I DON'T WANT TO KNOW THE SCIENTIFIC REASONING BEHIND WHY I STARTED A HAREM ESPECIALLY NOT FROM A GUY IN THE HAREM!
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
Randomize
