Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
I mean we're not committed. He's my first choice, sort of like miller lite. When I'm at the bar I'm going to order one, but if they don't maybe I'll go for a bud or blue moon. I'm certainly not going to stop drinking
I keep hearing lesbian porn and I'm the only one home. I don't think this is healthy
Ive yelled into your vagina. There are few lines we haven't crossed at this point.
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
I've seen too many dicks in the past week. I can't do it anymore.
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
Nobody cheats on THIS.
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
Randomize
