Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
I mean if she was naked in my room I would talk to her
Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
this place is dumb. no one understands my Sunday morning alcoholism here.
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
My name will be tattooed on his ass by sunday.
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
Dude is PACKING. And yes I am holding up a cross and holy water and hissing like a pissed off goose.
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
Randomize
