so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
hey everyone... booty call? my house tonight. bring friends to fuck my friends.
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
I don't know. I guess at the end of the day I wanted taco bell more than a boyfriend.
Totally get that.
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
I do have a life. It just consists of making scarves and chesse straws now
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
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