It was so romantic--he turned me around to face the sunset during doggy-style over the couch back.
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
just found out there is no tactful way to ask your girlfriend to wax her stache. no matter what a google search would have you believe.
thank you TLC waking up to a water birth on tv really put the cherry on top of my hangover...
I went down on her for 35 minutes and didn't even get a handy. I've never felt more desire to be gay in my life.
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
Ok everyone, the frat server is slow because of the 11 TB of porn on there. Either clean out your partition by Sunday or it will be erased. Thanks for your help.
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
Dollars spent: $83, Girls kissed: 4, Girls slept with:2, Girls currently making me breakfast: 1, Fucks given: 0
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
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