i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
no one should ever give us hovercrafts
Just saved her as "new hostess that randy banged" ...I forgot her name
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
We turned on "find my friends" and watched her progress. Got concerned when she didn't move for an hour on Adelaide, turned out a booty call was made, then she went back to the bars.
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
Everyone says I win the strip club
Being a fine ass woman in a world full of fuckboys is the realest struggle I've ever known.
too bad we didn't bet. my 38-1 tears would have made great lubrication for a blow job.
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
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