Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
he chased her out of the bar yelling "TAKE MY VIRGINITY" and i havent seen her since
I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.
I just saw someone EAT a flashcard out of frustration. Finals suck.
Fair enough. I'm gonna finish off half a bottle of Brunettes in the shower anf relive the good ol' days. We need a reunion
When my parents ask if I met any nice guys in California, I'm going to answer, "No, but I have gone home with alot of nice girls". Too much, too soon?
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
Randomize
