It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
i threw up in his garden in front of like five people smoking a joint. they let me have a hit after i was done so it was okay
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
Randomize
