I can tuck mytits in my pants
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
I was making out with him, and then his friend randomly took off my pants and started going down on me. My first semi-threesome was a success.
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
he came during what was supposed to be the foreplay blowjob. there goes my evening.
Lets just say I tried to pinky promise the cop... So I was fucked up.
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
Randomize
