cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
That's ok. Our relationship has a solid foundation of booze and questionable behavior.
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
Doug the spinning teacher gave me chlyamdia
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
I would give a kidney to fuck him and he knows it. That bastard.
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
Randomize
