oh and i feel obligated to inform you that there will be no sexin' because it's 'lady time' for me. so this ain't a booty call.
it's taking a lot of effort to be mature and not reply to her with like a video of bestiality porn
I think i really like him...he was super cuddly and kept me company.
stop. you already have a dog
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
Randomize
