I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
just went to my meeting with last nights make up still on, not wearing a bra, and the 14 shot tallies still on my wrist.. My advisor's questions should be answered as to why I'm not in my major yet.
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
That seems dangerous to buy acid from a stranger on craigslist
All I'm saying is this is the exact reason I should not be left unsupervised.
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
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