Too bad my picture didn't come thru. It was one of me naked riding a unicorn with a wizard hat and a magic staff. And the unicorn had wings. And me too.
apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
Just watched the couple I sit for and 4 of their friends shotgun beers like college kids. Please let this be us when we get older.
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
You need to stop having girl talk with the guys I'm sleeping with.
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
Just an FYI if we break up I'm going to sleep with your cousin or who ever my dealer is.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
I puked into my skirt and then had to carry it to the bathroom and dump it out, Lmfao and it was like 2pm
Also at one point I told him to say my name and it took him like 5 seconds to remember.
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
omg last night while walking home from your house I stole a seatless bike and carried it into my next door neighbors kitchen.. we just looked It up online it's an antique and worth $500 dollars
Randomize
