There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
My stomach is revolting cause i have put food in it and no alcohol.
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
She's writing hockey erotica again.
Tell her to pick another team besides ours this time.
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
Randomize
