i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
just used a blowie as payment for him having to take the dog out to let her poop.
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
I can't. He's too cute and my tongue is too long.
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
btw, whatever u do, dont try and take that towel away from her..i tried, it got ugly..she said some things im sure she regrets.
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
Randomize
