matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
Well... Chad blew off half of his hand last night. We were able to find most of it.
They stopped fighting to partake in M&Ms and porn.
Randomize
