Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
He was in a gay KY jelly commercial. Jew male model. Reasons not to sleep with him. Go.
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
it was all good until he screamed "for fraaannnceee" on his last thrust
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
That sounds promising. I'm twerking to human nature.
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
Randomize
