I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
The guy in front of me in Sociology is definitely working on my farm in farmville. Never met him before. Do I thank him?
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
She clicked her fingers, said "here boy!", and pointed at her vagina.
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
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