you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
He had a curved dick....must be a european thing
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
my pupils became my eyes and i slept with a cloth in my mouth again
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
We drank vodka and koolaid through a traffic cone. It got rowdy.
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
she passed out standing next to the car. her head hit the door so hard the alarm went off. she instantly snapped out of it and started sprinting away
Randomize
