You and i never got to the, we dont care what we look like friend-stage. you know? like not brushing your teeth stage.
sorry im really high
also i tucked his toothbrush in my shirt. why? i dont know.
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
His body is just chiseled out of sex. I would let that man do anything to my body. Including fuck me while my parents watch
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
And he's back on taking these stupid testosterone supplements to kickstart him back into working out. And they just make him angry and horny all the time. I'm like great, just in time to meet my whole family for Christmas.
Riddle me this: I can stream porn just fine but try and watch my college class and nooo it won't work
Be there in 4 minutes
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
so does the amount of bruises on my arms and legs mean we had fun last night?
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
