Call me when you're up
Great dream, you were in it
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
I have all these new brothers and sisters I'm just now finding out about
I found a dealer that takes plastic. I'm so in trouble.
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
Did he make you just lay your head next to his cock and talk to it again?
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
My exam ends at 4pm so I plan to be passed out in the bar by 5pm. Want to join me?
Or maybe I'll just keep introducing myself like, hello, they call me iane because I need the D. Applications are submitted online, women need not apply.
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
Randomize
