I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
We're too lazy too send a pic of out balls. Just assume this is a pic of our balls and respond accordingly.
We have a guy passed out in the bathroom with one of our pots. Not sure if he's your friend so I let him be
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
Everything was yummy and fruit flavored and five alive and happymeas.
She was wearing some slutty variation of a toga and giving the entire bus a pep talk on why we should black out tonight...I'M IN LOVE AND I DON'T CARE WHO KNOWS IT!
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
Dude, he paid us overtime to smoke weed out of a bong at his house
He lives 20 minutes away driving distance and decided to walk. I talked to him today and he took a nap along the way... In a cemetery.
Randomize
