I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
We were confused who drove until we went outside and her cupholders were torn out of the dash and laying on the ground
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
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