oh well at that point I was already depressed with life because I had watched the bratz movie.
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
And on top of all this... he just told me to "chill my nips."
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Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
My fingers feel amazing. Their going like 100 MPH!!
HOLY SHIT. SHIT THAT IS HOLY. HOLY OF THE SHIT.
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
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