he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
That's the last time I do shots near a campfire.
How do you not remember seeing the kid from our chem lab table and repeatedly yelling "lab partners for life!" at him?
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
The fact that I took a nap during my midterm shows exactly how I handle being an adult
Dude I woke up and he was pissing in the corner on his clothes... I called his name an he replied " I got this" and continued.
I mean I just feel if I'm not being fat and lazy then I'm not really being myself
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
