it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
Randomize
