WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
We all have a cross to bear. Yours just happens to be attracting gay men.
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
i figure i've seen his cum stains on the floor, i'm allowed to say these things.
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
Just saw a dude walk out of the parking. Garage in a diaper and tutu. He had a handle in one hand and a toy bow in the other
LOL its 11 am
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
I can't tell if you're talking about my pussy or Cape Cod.
Randomize
