I just found a Chris Hansen soundboard online, care to guess what I'll be doing all day?
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
He sent me a pic of his Junk. He said it was a Brett Farve valentine.
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
Where do you think black out memories go?
Into the dark abysmal abyss of the deepest, darkest part of your mind. It's obviously the bodies natural defense to protect you from witnessing the shit you do while actually blacked out.
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
its a comptetion of fuckups and im HERE TO WIN
Randomize
